[Insert appropriate virtual greeting here.]
I can't seem to stop thinking about what I'm doing with my life, that I want to do something ultimately meaningful, and not waste any time. And yet there is something delightfully ironic in that same anxiety: I want so badly the thing that I can never have by wanting it. The way I think about it is more a matter of realization, living action, than desire. What I end up doing as a result of this feeling is doing a lot of small things frantically in order to set myself up for feeling productive, smart, and feeling like I am where I should be. And yet...
Recently I downloaded the program EverNote or All Notebooks for PC, and so I am trying to explore ways to reduce inefficiency and increase productivity. Beneath my productivity will always need to be a set of goals, desires, targets to be reached requiring the productivity in the first place. And that is where I am mulling at this point in my life. I am wondering what exactly is the point of all the wasted time, the time that I feel like should be used for action, realization of who I really am before God and the world.
I am able to make some progress into my wants and desires: for union with God, union with my wife, to be in loving community with family and friends, to contribute to a more just society. And then how those realized themselves in daily action: making my wife's lunch, planning my day, Catholic Mass, Centering prayer, home to eat breakfast, start laundry, get to work for a few hours, exercise, back to work, prepare and make dinner, choir practice, talk on the phone with a friend and/or family member, etc. So many things that I want and so many things to do, not all aligning at the same time and at the right places, but still coming through me somehow.
As Lent approaches I am weary of my own lack of discipline and how my sins will get in the way of what I really want. I am refreshed by the amount of resources available to support my spiritual life. I will always need to remember God's grace as the primary spiritual nourishment that may appear in so many unfamiliar ways through temptations and answered prayers.
